But I did not possess the will power to pass up a cinematic experience that promised us this: Jude Law, Jennifer Jason Leigh, Ian Holm, Willem Dafoe, written and directed by David Cronenberg. Plus, the one person from the cable company who actually saw the film, loved it so much as to give it three out of a possible four stars. Obviously, in retrospect, either a die-hard Cronenberg fan or a twisted, disgruntled employee. I mistakenly thought that all these fantastic actors with direction from the inspired, though disturbed, genius Cronenberg, bolstered by a three star review, insured this was a tasty filmic treat not to be passed up. I now curse the moment I pressed the cable remote's "guide" button and was presented with the existence of eXistenZ.

And here's why: the movie was classically wretched.

It possessed every single atribute required for total viewing discomfiture. The plot was immediately transparent such that even the final twist could be guessed by our cat, Erwin. In fact, the final line of dialogue was obvious within the first six minutes of the film. The actors, obviously amazed that they'd signed up for such a ridiculous project, disheartened and doomed, made no attempt to create realistic people out of their characters. Why bother? The dialogue they were presented with appeared as though it were transcribed from a poorly written 1950's Sci-Fi melodrama, and the plot situations were equally laughable. Jude Law and Willem Dafoe did manage a few moments of inspired insouciance, though one tends to believe they were, at the time of filming, simply slipping further into a state of professioinal mental dyspepsia brought on by the combination of bad script, poor directing, odious catered food, and poorly executed set design.

I won't bother fully explaining the plot, what little there was of one. However, if you've seen a few episodes of Star Trek or the recent film, The Matrix, you've already experienced what bits might pass as "good" in this film. If my warning is not enough, and you must know more about this film, I beg of you to read the plot summary found on the Internet Movie Database at www.imdb.com. For some reason, the film has recieved what appears to be a favorable review at this site, however, this is likely attributed to the fact that only people who enjoyed the film bothered wasting their time to find it at the IMDB.

Of course, it's bound to become a cult classic, and engender all the trappings thereof: computer games, comic books, trading cards, spin-off books, collector's DVD with behind the scenes clips and director's narration. What still amazes me is that we sat through the whole thing.